I want my daughters to strive to become Olympians.
If I share this with my friends, they tell me I’m a helicopter parent. Or I’m trying to live my unfulfilled ambitions through my kids. Or I want to bask in their reflected glory.
Maybe.
I don’t know my deep psychological scars. All I know is that I want my daughters to taste the deep, transcendental joy of pursuing excellence early.
Becoming an Olympian doesn’t matter.
Striving to reach the absolute pinnacle of a sport gives you a glimpse of divinity though, moments when you’re so absorbed in a pursuit that you lose yourself completely.
I think.
I didn’t know this feeling most of my life. Five years ago though, I decided to stop dabbling. Instead of writing another bestseller in India quickly, I decided to write the perfect novel. I unlearned everything I knew and started from scratch. I read every book published on writing (or so it felt like!), de-constructed the works of authors I’d deemed inaccessible like James Joyce, Philip Roth, and a hundred others, and quietly plodded through one rejection, then two, then some more, for a total of sixty-one rejections, re-writing and improving my own novel, until I thought I’d purged it of mediocrity.
The goal fades away.
I failed miserably to reach my goal. Let alone being considered the perfect novel, The Yoga of Max’s Discontent has made it to just a couple of 2016 Best Books list and none of the major ones. The Indian sales of The Seeker (the Indian version of the novel) are actually lower than Keep off the Grass and Johnny Gone Down. US reviews and sales are solid but not blockbuster.
The strange thing is: I haven’t felt bad for a minute.
I stumbled, pushed, stretched, trying to be bigger than my abilities and in my own small way, I lost myself and glimpsed a purity of intention I’d never known before. My life simplified. I didn’t want to go out drinking or try the newest restaurant in town or expend energy in empty conversations and restless travel. I never thought about trivialities like work-life balance. Everything that didn’t fuel the pursuit of excellence felt redundant. It was harsh yet beautiful.
The quest for excellence has spilled over in every area of my life. Now, I want to be the best country head for Discovery, tomorrow I’ll want to dive deep into meditation to attain enlightenment, then…
I know I’ll fail miserably again.
The results don’t matter.
Goals fade away.
There is a reductiveness, a purity, perhaps the only glimpse of transcendence possible in this limited human form, in the simple pursuit of excellence.
Imagine experiencing that when you’re eleven or twelve years old.
I hope my daughters decide to pursue excellence early. If they don’t take to striving for the Olympics or gymnastics or another sport, perhaps they’ll aim for acting in films or making great music or changing the world or for anything else where the pinnacle is steep and the pursuit is arduous. And if everything else fails, there’s always writing 
Whether they become any of these is irrelevant.
Is this being too prescriptive? Should you just let kids be? Our kids are two years old and six months old and we’re still forming our views so I’d love all parenting advice below!
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32 Responses to “My Only Dream For My Daughters”
Insightful as always, Karan!
The setting of ambitious goals is essential, but if we get sheer joy in the quest for excellence, it matters far less ‘when’ , or indeed ‘whether’ we achieve those goals! Often the journeys which give us more joy are those where our goals are broader and we are eager to take others forward along with us. In doing so we make the world a better place!
Agree!
After an accident that left me told i would never walk again the non support of friends who I had expected to be by my side and really only the support of my family until the loss of my father from cancer in April of this year not but 3 day from when I was struck on my bike to the date I have found it hard to pursue the goals I set for myself in my recovery as well as larger aspersions on writing a book to tell my story as well as the kinds of people who the Lord’s brought into my path and not following a simular path to your book the yoga of max discontent with many friends following their downward paths of drugs and alcohol and not making it out of their 20s but me as I’ve made a quantum leap forward in my spiritual growth as well as my conscious I’ve seen my Ill decisions and turned from them but still and not focused on renewing my mind or following a thinking project as you’ve got a plan for your two daughters may that be tear plan or not Karan you only want the best for thir future and for them to embrace disapline at a young age and strive for the stars in what ever they do
Thank you man, you have an incredible spirit. Truly.
I truly believe that if you strive to be your own personal best you can achieve greatness in you own way. I may never be the the author I would like to, or the best cook, or the best mother, but I can and am the very best friend to anyone who is my friend and can share my dreams, and understand my need for loving friends that anyone could want. Parenting is showing the way, and guiding them to the principles of doing the right thing. Becoming the person that their potential allows. One can not force ones children to become king or queen or the Olympian that you wish, you can only show them the way with your good deeds and thoughts. Thank you!
I’m not a parent but I’ve been parented.
I’m totally in resonance with what Barbara said. One of the things I’m grateful for is that my parents never pushed me to become this or that.
Karan, I feel the best way to parenting children to adulthood is to be a guide and let your children discover their own world. All your realizations and revelations are yours and you should let our children have their own. Following up on your video about dharma, this is just that; your children will have their own dharma and only they can tread the path they’re supposed to, to find transcendence.
But is that true Vinay? Doesn’t every parent teach a set of values eg, speak the truth/be a good citizen etc. to their kids? In my world, “excellence” is an equivalent value.
Agreed Barbara, thank you. I’d argue though that “the way”/the right thing is very personal to the parent vs. an absolute standard. In my world, the pursuit of excellence is slowly becoming as integral a value as any.
Agreed on excellence as a teaching. It was just that the goal you used in the beginning was very specific.
Let’s say the kids don’t want to be olympics athletes but go on to win Nobel prize in economics or physics, the purpose still won’t be defeated.
I see no contradiction when excellence or self-transcendence is imbibed as a value. That’s the most precious guidance a parent can give. Happy parenting!
Interesting thoughts Karan. I set ridiculously high goals for myself and keep failing all the time. But every time I do it, I ask myself if I should set myself much lower. Is it normal, Karan to be bogged down by your mind like that? Is it my expectations that do me in each time?
Thanks for making some of us feel right in place!
Yes! Very normal. But keep at it. Simple living, High thinking
Hi Karan, I wanted to recommend a TED talk and book by Julie Lythcott Haims “How to Raise an Adult” – Raising children is one of the hardest jobs we have – to commit to bringing up conscious, loving, contributing, compassionate global citizens who, hopefully, are educated to become aware of their unique gifts and embody them completely for the benefit of themselves and others. I am hoping that is what you mean by ‘excellence’. Sadly, it is a word that many a modern parent has used and unfortunately, ‘excelling and over-achievement’ can result in a lot of stressed out ,overtired and overwhelmed young people(and parents!) who arrive on college campuses as young adults not knowing who they really are as they never were given the opportunity to discover and individuate due to being micro-managed from a very young age. The book and Julie’s TED talk refers to this modern day plight. I wish you and your growing family all the best.
Michelle, I’m going to read the book now. Thanks for the recommendation.
Dear Karan,
You have fuelled a great thought again. I think Kids learn a lot from the atmosphere we create at home. They look up to their parents. I agree, striving for self excellence in whatever we do should become our nature.
Have a good day.
100% agree Vivek.
Quite in sync with my thoughts and experience! As a student, mother, teacher and school Principal, I have always experienced that what grows untended and attended are weeds, usually. Chasing excellence, trying, failing, re-trying are all steps on the ladder of success.
Your school is lucky to have you as a principal!
Hi Karan,
Let me begin by expressing my gratitude. Thank you, for writing The Seeker. It has and will inadvertently touch a lot of lives as and when people stumble across it. Sometimes we search for a particular novel, and few rare times the book finds you, heals you and fuels you with a lot of alternative thoughts.Max’s journey seemed very personal to me. More on how the book has affected me when I write you personally.
The pursuit of excellence is very liberating, or are we stereotyping our existence by defining steep journey as the only route to free ourselves from the perils of goal. Would Max have agreed to the definition of an Olympian? What if our daughters eventually burden themselves in order to preserve our notions? A part of me agrees with you wholeheartedly, the other part, the part that relates to Max tells me, the exhaustion in pursuit of excellence actually narrow down the multiple lenses through which we unite with our conscious being.
Thanks Indra, great thoughts and ones I’ve mulled a lot about as well. I think there’s a point when the search has to stop as Max realizes, when the distinction between the seeker and the search has to dissolve. But I think you have to train yourself to reach that point, kind of like Max did..
Beautiful picture
Hi Karan,
I respect your feeling and supporting the reason behind that you want your daughter to be Olympian. In my opinion, rather to serve and make her peruse to a target borrowed from her father…you should ensure that you will cultivate a passion and endurance in her to pursuit her likeness in her life. I read somewhere that we all human are born genius but this genuineness lost somewhere to achieve someone else goals or ambition in life. Let her free bird for her entire life. Cultivates habits which facilitate her to achieve whatever she wants in her life.
Spirituality speaks freedom.
However, read somewhere, there is no SOP for parenting.:)
Regards,
Amit
Amit, very true. My thought though here was less Olympian, more a value to reach the pinnacle of any field they show a natural inclination towards and feel the joy in the climb.
Indeed a great and a noble thought!. Failing and rising again requires a lot of courage, strength and endurance. But taking pride in the fact that one has fallen and has learnt a LOT from the failure is what matters the utmost. Learnings from the failures is a always a valuable learning and goes a long way in ensuring success as we walk through the journey of life!
Great thoughts, Lakshmi!
Yes Karan it’s true I have a perception what evolves, resolves.
And one more thing I forgot to mention you’ve put up a beautiful lovely pic.
Nicely said.
Hi Karan
I think let ur daughters find their own way and interests…To set a goal for them will overshadow what their soul is attracted to
I am not a father yet, but I can say something about my experience. When I was 9 I was “forced” by my mother and sister to join the dancing group (you know – boys at this age don’t want to dance, touch girls and so on). I stayed there for almost 8 years. Why? Because I liked it after some time. My advice? Give your kids options and opportunities. Show them tennis, dancing, acting. Let them choose what they like and want to do next couple of years (or life). Don’t force them for piano lessons when they hate it. I think that talking with them and giving your honest opinion will help better than just “do it as I say so”.
Just writing this article I think that you are going to be a great dad! Good luck man!
Brilliant Karan!
Your writing (I’ve only read a few articles so far) is invitingly clean, your authenticity is incredibly inspiring, and the omission of a comma after “brilliant” is deliberate.