These words aren’t borrowed from some legendary military General; quite the contrary, these are our very own Dharam paaji’s words stolen from a delightfully trashy Bollywood movie called ‘Tahelka’. Wait, pause for a minute. If you do remember Amrish Puri as General Dong in Tahelka, -‘Dong kabhi wrong nahin hota’- then don’t read any further. You have what it takes to write; go quickly write a novel, and prepare to sign your million dollar book deal instead.
 
For the lesser souls who missed this delectable gem of a movie, all I can say is that Dharmendra as usual had it all figured out. If you really want to write a novel, don’t wait for that one epiphanic moment when the cosmos will line itself to give you a divine green signal. Just pick up the pen, start writing, and you’ll eventually get there. To nudge you along on your journey though, below are some personal tips from my fledgling experience as a novelist. I realize I am not qualified to give any tips since my first novel hasn’t even been published yet (and it could be completely trash for all you know!) Hence, I have tried to find consistent themes from experiences of other novelists I have read about. I hope these can be of some help::

  
Tip # 1: Live a rocking, interesting life
 
I was never a writer in school or college, and the only short story I ever wrote received the thumbs down from the college magazine editor (if you’ve ever studied in the bowels of India, you would appreciate how bad you have to be if you can’t even get published in the Ranchi engineering college fiction magazine).
 
What made me go on to write a novel then? Well, something changed while I was in college. Not my writing or my reading, but the experiences I was having everyday. I made real friends for the first time - people who made me realize that there was more to life than the accumulation of GPAs, degrees, and petty achievements. Okay, not profoundly insightful Einstein stuff I guess, but for a private school educated self absorbed middle class fatso, it meant the world. A roller coaster journey ensued from there. IIM happened-more wild nights, more deep friendships; working for the next five years in India, Philippines, Singapore and the U.S; back-packing across the surreal underbelly of India, Thailand, Philippines, Vietnam, Indonesia, Cambodia, Laos, Mexico, Guatemala, Costa Rica, Jamaica etc.; scuba diving with whales; kayaking in oceans; hiking on the highest mountains of the U.S and Central America; tripping out some more; meeting crazy people and having crazier encounters along the way - life suddenly became a wild, fascinating, sensual journey.
 
And then one day, almost ten years after I wrote my first and only short story; I started writing- and finished my first novel in six months. What changed? I am still an average writer at best, I think, but I do try to live an above average life in terms of the experiences I seek; and that makes for interesting writing.
 
So if you want to write, but can’t write, don’t worry. Just pick up the bag, and take an unplanned journey- stone a bit on the Ghaats of Varanasi if you will or meditate in the Himalayas for a while. Or go to Rajasthan and watch tribals dance in the moonlight. Whatever floats your boat; whatever melts your butter; whatever tickles your pickle.
 
Tip # 2: Have an irrational confidence in yourself
 
I am convinced that like me, every first time novelist has gone through different versions of the same struggles in his or her head- Should I really be writing a full fledged novel when my writing history, if it exists at all, is scarred by rejected short stories? Do I have a meaningful story to tell? Will this quixotic quest turn into a distraction that takes the butter away from my ‘bread and butter’ corporate job? Will anyone read what I am writing? Will I ever live to complete this book?
 
‘The mind is indeed restless O Arjuna; many faceted are its desires like the wavering branches of the tree.’ Krishna said in the Mahabharata. No one understands this better than the first time writer. There is little I can proffer as advice when even the mighty Krishna couldn’t fully convince Arjuna to act without the fear of consequences. All I can say is that hopefully this knowledge of shared misery had a redemptive quality for you. Every writer goes through the same struggles, but hopefully your irrational confidence in your abilities triumphs over the rational insecurities.
 
At least you know, for sure, that your mother is gonna love your book; even if no one else does. And hey, if you are married-make that two; believe me, your spouse will also love your book, no matter what you’ve written. What the heck man- I know folks who have lived their lives without making half those number of people proud.
 
Tip # 3: Write about what you know, BUT find the extraordinary in the ordinary
 
Think of writing a first novel as going on a first date with someone special. You wouldn’t want to change too many variables right? You’d probably want to wear clothes that you know you look good in; go to an address you know; drive in a vehicle that isn’t likely to break down on the way; dine in a restaurant where you’re familiar with the menu (and the prices)-right? What you are trying to do is to avoid surprises so you can focus your energies on your special date. Granted it isn’t quite as pleasurable, but writing your first novel is similar. You want to concentrate on the new act of writing versus overwhelming yourself with new settings, situations and characters.
 
One important thing though is that familiarity shouldn’t give you the license to create a dull, vanilla mundane story. Ordinary settings have to provide fodder for the extraordinary. I set my first story in the familiar environs of the IIM, which numerous stories- Chetan Bhagat’s Five Point Someone, Abhijit Bhaduri’s ‘Mediocre but Arrogant’ etc- have already done such a good job of describing. So I had to make my characters and situations extraordinary. My novel therefore ends up being a roller coaster journey from meeting flesh-eating Aghoree cannibals in the Ghaats of Varanasi to meditating in the foothills of the Himalayas to spending time in a prison cell in Bangalore. All characters and situations were real - just pushed out a bit to make it an interesting, gripping novel (hopefully!). Do read the novel even though I realize I sound like a Bollywood music director ('I don't copy R.D Burman, I am just inspired by him')!
 
Tip # 4: Embrace the Pain
  
I am usually surprised when people say, ‘I have no regrets in life.’ Come on, I think, I can’t be the only one whose life seems so full of regrets. Hopefully not major ones, but minor ones - sure, doesn’t everyone have those regrets? Of not being  as good as you’d like at music, sports and arts; of being unable to prioritize what really mattered when it mattered; of getting into bad relationships; of making wrong career choices etc. etc. The magic, I think, is in accepting that it is OK to have regrets; it is OK to feel lonely; it is OK to feel depressed at times- as long as you feel you are leading a happy, productive life overall.  I think these experiences of pain and conflict make you a richer, deeper person; and sadness gives an interesting, intelligent dimension to your life.
 
I recall reading Arundhati Roy’s ‘God of Small Things’ way back in college. Like Salman Rushdie’s books, it had also appeared obscure and incomprehensible at that time (it still does, actually). Many years later though, I still remember this exchange from the book:
 
‘If you're happy in a dream, Ammu, does that count?’ Estha asked.
 
‘Does what count?’
 
‘The happiness - does it count?’
 
Wow man- what sadness! Even for born cynics like me, it struck a chord. You are really starved for happiness when you have to search for it in your dreams. Or Ruskin Bond’s wonderful: ‘It’s not time that is passing by-it’s you and I.’
 
Countless Hindi songs make the cut of-course, and so do, Floyd and Dylan.
 
I think every novel is autobiographical to a degree, especially the first one. As you start creating characters and situations, you draw more and more from your own experiences, desires and conflicts. And I guess the more one is in touch with oneself, the easier the act of writing.
 
Tip # 5: Be disciplined- set goals, create a schedule… and everything else you suffered during your board exams
 
‘You can take the Indian out of the board exams, but you can’t take the board exams out of the Indian.’ Nonsense, I know, but hopefully, you get my point. One has to be pretty disciplined to complete a novel. Usually it involves preparing an outline, setting a writing schedule, committing on how much time one is going to write daily, having an approximate end date in mind, and sticking to the schedule as much as possible. And you aren’t done even after you have finished the first draft (even though your mother loves it). You will likely have to go through multiple edits and drafts before it is ready for submission to publishers.

Tip # 6: It is okay to be ambitious
 
My last comment is a piece of advice one of my IIM professors had given me when I was about to depart for the corporate world-‘It is okay to be ambitious; no need to apologize for it.’  I think I understand now what he meant. It is fine to be so driven that you search your name on Google everyday; it is fine to hunger after all the ephemerals-money, power, fame, glory-that our culture or philosophy declare meaningless. If that’s what floats your boat, you owe it to yourself to pursue those dreams. 'I think every novel is autobiographical to a degree, especially the first one. As you start creating characters and situations, you draw more and more from your own experiences, desires and conflicts. And I guess the more one is in touch with oneself, the easier the act of writing. To each his own- whatever floats your boat, whatever melts your butter….........
 
Best of Luck as you embark on this interesting journey. If my tips were any help at all in helping you publish the next New York Times Bestseller, do drop me a line at email@karanbajaj.com (though a portion of the royalties would be accepted with gratitude as well :) )